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Monday, April 25, 2011

SEX AFTER DEATH

Another Husband and Wife Joke


A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.


Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Marion ... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"


"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

"No...........I'm a rabbit in Arizona.


Getting Screwed by Lawyers !




The madam opened the brothel door in Milngavie and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."

"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."

Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.


The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy. Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still £5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.

After their session, Suzy said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, "Edinburgh."

"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ..."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer. She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

Friday, April 22, 2011

Funny Classified Advertisements !


Following are classified ads which were actually placed in a U.K newspaper:


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER


8 years old. Hateful little bastard.
Bites!



FREE PUPPIES.


1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.




FREE PUPPIES.


Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.


Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.




COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.


Also 1 gay bull for sale.




JOINING NUDIST COLONY!


Must sell washer and dryer £100.



WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .


Worn once by mistake.


Call Stephanie.






**** And the WINNER is an oldie but fantastic! ****


FOR SALE BY OWNER.


Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.


Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.


No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.


Thursday, April 21, 2011

The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage !



At St. Peter ' s Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husbands ' marriage seminars.


At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.


Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I ' va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary! "


The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary? "


Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."


Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Planting Potatos Via FBI


An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.



Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Dad


A few days later, he received a letter from his son.



Dear Dad
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love,
Bubba


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.


That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.


Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Bubba


Monday, April 18, 2011

Generic Drugs and Viagra !

Drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.



The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.


Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.



Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.


Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Sardar - Indian Jokes

I am sure Indians would understand the content better, never-the-less, it does tinkle out senses of Humour too.


 Interviewer:

what is your birth date?
Sardar: 13th October
Which year?
Sardar: every year



Manager asked sardar at an interview.
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Sardar replyed: -P-O-S-T-B-O- X.



After returning back from a foreign trip, sardar asked his wife,
Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?
Sardar: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?




One tourist from U.S.A. asked Sardar:
Any great man born in this village???
Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!



Lecturer: write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi (A National Holiday to celebrate birth of Gandhi - 2nd October)
So Sardar writes, "Gandi was a great man, but I don't know who is Jayanthi.



When sardar was traveling with his wife in an auto, the driver
adjusted the mirror. Sardar shouted, "You are trying to see my
wife? Sit behind. I will drive.



Interviewer: just imagine youare on the 3rd floor, it caught fire and how will you escape?
Sardar: its simple. I will stop my imagination !!!


Sardar: My mobile bill how much?
Call centre girl: sir, just dial 123to know current bill status
Sardar: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL.




Sardar: I think that girl is deaf..
Friend: How do u know?
Sardar: I told I Love her, but she said her chappals are new




Friend: I got a brand new Ford IKON for my wife!
Sardar: Wow!!! That's an unbelievable exchange offer!!!




Teacher: Which is the oldest animal in world?
Sardar: ZEBRA
Teacher: How?
Sardar: Bcoz it is Black & White




Sardar attending an interview in Software Company.
Manager: Do U know MS Office?
Sardar: If U give me the address I will go there sir.




Sardar in airplane going 2 Bombay .. While its landing he shouted: " Bombay ... Bombay "
Air hostess said: "Be silent."
Sardar: "Ok.. Ombay. (b)Ombay"


Teacher: "What is common between JESUS, KRISHNA , RAM, GANDHI and BUDHA?"
Sardar: "All are born on government holidays...! !!




Sir: What is difference between Orange and Apple?
Sardar: Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Don't Come Home !!


A man called his mom from the USA .
Man : Mom, I have AIDS.


Mother: Don't come back home, my son.


Man : Why mom ?


Mother: If you come back home, then your wife will be infected. From your wife to your brother, from your brother to our maid, from our maid to your dad, from your dad to my sister, from my sister to her husband, from him to me, from me to the gardener, from the gardener to your sister. And if your sister got AIDs, then the whole village will be infected !


So for Goodness sake SAVE OUR VILLAGE, DON'T COME BACK HOME !!!!!


Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Monday, April 4, 2011

Seven Kinds Of Sex....


The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.


This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.




The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.


This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have Sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.




The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.


This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.




The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.


This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say ... 'F**k You.'




The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.


Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)




The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex.


This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. She/he takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.






And . Last ... But not least ...






The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.


You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy your self.




WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN ??

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