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Monday, May 23, 2011

Crazy Lawyer Jokes

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court,

word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place...

______________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter

has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do..

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes..

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.

Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard..

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?

What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No .

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

The Husband Store !

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors & the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex & have money & like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Funny Weather Report !



This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any !

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:

"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!





Monday, May 16, 2011

Royal Wedding Funnies !

OK - click on images for larger readable versions !!

So, WTF, the king to be got married !!

Only issue is that he chose to borrow Michael Jackson's costume as his wedding attire. So much more happened at the weeding and our good camera crews did not forget to capture them, nor, those with good sense of humour let go of those moments - here they are !!








And both of them just couldn't wait to get to the Hotel room - they just had to do it in the Balcony !!












Thursday, May 12, 2011

How Men and Women See Colours and a Bar Joke

A guy is out with his buddies. He has a few drinks, gets in the mood but true to his wife goes home. When he gets home he finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open. He gets two aspirin and drops them into her mouth.



Of course, she chokes but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth??"


He says, "Two aspirin".


She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE"!!!


He says, "That's what I wanted to hear."


Click on Below Image for a larger readable version

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Husband and Wife Joke - Making Phone Calls



"A Husband and his wife agreed that anytime they want to have sex, they will call it a 'PHONE CALL' so that the kids will not decode.


One day, the husband sent his son to tell his mother that he wants to make a phone call.


Mother replies: Tell your father that the Network is bad today.

Husband: Tell your mother that if there is no Network at home, I will go to the "Public Phone".


Wife sent back, tell your father that if he dares goes to a Public Phone, then I will open a " Call Center " at home."

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Osama Bin Laden Burial at Sea !

WARNING !!!!!

Contains extremly graphical photographs

Not for the fiant hearted.

Osama bin Laden Fans, please refrain from scrolling down

Was taken on board the US Navy Air Craft carrier by a Navy Seal using his Camera Phone





WARNING AGAIN - Do NOT scrol down if you think you cannot handle it !!!!!





















Thursday, May 5, 2011

Funny Limerick - Creation of a Cunt




Seven wise men, with knowledge so fine ......
Created a cunt  to their design !

First was a butcher, smart with wit ......
Using a knife, he gave it a slit !

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold ......
With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole !

Third was a tailor, tall and thin ......
By using red velvet, he lined it within !

Fourth was a hunter, short and stout ......
With a piece of fox fur, he lined it without !

Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell ......
He threw in a fish and gave it a smell !


Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee ......
He touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee !


Last came a sailor, a dirty little runt ......
He sucked it and f***ed it and called it a "C*nt " !


Thus, dear friends is the femine c*nt ......
Used by all of us to perform many a stunt
Now rave and rant
And inform to all beyond count - (Share this link with your freinds)


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