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Sunday, June 26, 2011

The Boy Who is too Smart to be in the 1st Garde !

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Trevor, what's your problem?'

Trevor answered,'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Trevor to the principal's office.

While Trevor waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Trevor was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Trevor : '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Trevor : '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Trevor can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Trevor both agreed.

Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Trevor, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Trevor replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms.Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Trevor : 'Pants.'

Ms.Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Trevor: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Trevor replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Trevor : 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.
Ms.Brooks:'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Trevor : 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,

'Put Trevor in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......'

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Bubble in the Bath Tub !

A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students.


As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to Introduce themselves with name and hobby.

She said, " Let's start with the boys first." Boys start giving their intro... First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.

" Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting. Well, Ok. In fact, we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John.

Yes next." Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub." Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good.I like the spirit of supporting a friend.

Ok next. " Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub." Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next." This continues... and the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the Bathtub. " Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach un-grown boys for long.

Anyway, now the girls please. " First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds." Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next." Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes." Teacher "Now it's like educated grown up girls. Ok next. You sweet girl; Yes you... " Most beautiful girl of the class: "Madam, my name is 'Bubble', and my hobby is to take bath three times a day." Teacher Fainted!!! "

Monday, June 20, 2011

Husband and Wife Funny Joke !

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the Head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked..

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned!’

Friday, June 17, 2011

Chinese Joke - Woman in Laundry

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes:


'USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!'

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so, the following week she enclosed another note:

'USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!'

The Chinese laundry man became very annoyed, and when her clean Laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him:

'I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!

USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!'

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The Naked Prostitutes in a Garage Sale

 
One day, while going to the shop, I passed by a retirement village. On the front lawn were six old ladies, lying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way.

On my return trip, I passed the same retirement village with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the better of me and I went inside to talk to the retirement village Administrator, and asked her? 

Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?

Yes,' she said, "aren't they darlings?

They're retired prostitutes - they're having a garage sale.

When to Quit ??? Know When to !

A swift lesson in management


A guy had his member 25-inch long, fed up he went to a doctor and said, I can't live with this anymore! It's too long."

The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if you see the witch doctor in the woods, she can help you."

So,he went into the jungle and saw the witch doctor.

The witch doctor said, "Go into the swamp and you will find a female frog there. Ask her to marry you..she'll say "No".. and you'll lose 5 inches off your member!"

So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her,"Will you marry me?"

"No!", she said and He lost 5 inches off his member!

The guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is just too much. So he asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?"

The frog said,"No!" and the guy lost another 5 inches.

He thought, God, 15 inches is great! But 10 inches would just be perfect. So he asked again, "Will you marry me?"

And the frog said, "How many time do I have to tell you . .. NO! NO! NO!"

Moral : Know When to Quit!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Today's Generations

Six year old boy to a four year old boy: Dude, I found a Condom in the balcony.

Four year old boy: What's a balcony ?



___________________________________________________________



Everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B" - Ex. Blouse, Bra, Bikini , Boobs.
& the lower body with a "P" - Ex Petticoat, Pants, Panties, Pussy.

No wonder men suffer from high BP (Blood Pressure) !!

____________________________________________________________



A girlfriend sends the following msg;



My love.............
If ur sleeping; send me ur dreams
If ur smiling; send me ur smile
If ur crying; send me ur tears
I love u......

He replied;

I'm in the toilet
What do i send..........?

Monday, June 6, 2011

Husband Teaching Wife to fry Eggs !

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs 4 her husband.


Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW ! We need more butter. Oh my GOD ! WHERE r we going 2 get MORE BUTTER? They're going 2 STICK ! Careful . CAREFUL ! I said be CAREFUL! U NEVER listen 2 me when u're cooking ! Never !

Turn them! Hurry up! r u CRAZY ? Have u LOST ur mind ? Don't forget 2 salt them. You know u always forget that. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT !

The wife stared at him. "What is wrong with you? You think I don't know how 2 fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted 2 show you what it feels like when I'm driving." ;->

Old Men should not Marry Young Gals !




He's 80, she's 20.

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl.

After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying:

"This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered, "You got to keep the old motor running."

The following year the young bride gave birth again.

The same nurse said: "You're amazing. How do you do it?"

He again said: "You've got the keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said:

"Well, well, well! !! You certainly are quite a man!"

He responded again, "You've got to keep that old motor running"

The nurse said:

"Well, you better change the oil. This one's black."

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

The Flower Show and Old Ladies



Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The older one leaned over and said, ''Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!''

''You're on!'' said the other old lady, holding up a $10.00 note.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

Finally, the smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.

''What happened?'' asked her waiting friend.


''I won $1000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'.''

Migrating to Australia the Funny Way !


 A China-man decides to retire and move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai.

He bought a small piece of land . A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the China-man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.


The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the China-man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the China man leading a bull down the drive-way, ...pause...., and then put his left ear next to the bull's butt. The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the China man and says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs?


I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's butt, it could just about shit on you.'

The China-man is very taken back and says, 'Sorry sir, you no understand, these no ... Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.'

'What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs.'

Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me' replied the China-man,

'He say to become true Australian, I must learn to..... chase chicks, ..... get piss drunk, and .... listen to bull-shit.'

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