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Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Work definitions - Funny !




Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby


Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby



Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources


Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with a delivered baby.

Tester is a person who always tells that this is not the Right baby.

HR Manager is a person who thinks that... a Donkey can deliver a Human Baby - if given 9 Months !!!

 

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Little Johnny's bitch






Teacher to the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" 
Lil' Johnny: "I Wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". 
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson: And you, Tanya? 
"I wanna be Lil' Johnny's bitch!"

Friday, November 23, 2012

The French vs The English

 
During an international gynaecology conference, an English and a French gynaecologist are discussing various cases they've recently treated.
French Gynaecologist : "Only last week, zer was a woman ooh came to see me, and 'er cleetoris - eet was like a melon."
English Gynaecologist : "Don't be silly, it couldn't have been that big, my good man, she wouldn't have been able to walk if it was."

French Gynaecologist : "Aaah, you eenglish, zare you go again, always talkeeng about ze size............... I was talkeeng about ze flavour..."

Thursday, November 22, 2012

More English Jokes !




You think English is easy?? And some thought that Women were confused !


I think a retired English teacher was bored. THIS IS GREAT!

Read all the way to the end.................
This took a lot of work to put together!


1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to 
refuse more refuse.

4) We must 
polish the Polish furniture..

5) He could 
lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to 
desert his dessert in the desert..

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present thepresent.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the 
dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not 
object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too 
close to the door to close it.

14) The buck 
does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a 
sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his 
sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the 
tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I 
intimate this to my most intimate friend?



Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig..

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one mouse, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?




You lovers of the English language might enjoy this ..

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 
'UP.'


It's easy to understand 
UPmeaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?
At a meeting, why does a topic come 
UP?
Why do we speak 
UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is itUP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call 
UP our friends.
And we use it to brighten 
UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock 
UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir 
UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and thinkUP excuses..
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed 
UP is special.
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed 
UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UPlook the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes 
UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UPto about thirty definitions.
If you are 
UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used..
It will take 
UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UPyou may wind UPwith a hundred or more
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding 
UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing
UPWhen it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it
 UP,
for now my time is UP,
so........it is time to shut 
UP!

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Living with Awful Neighbours !



There is a huge house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of irritable dogs allowed to run without leads.

Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.

 


To the best of my knowledge, she has never worked a day in her life, but has lots of money. Her bad-tempered husband is notorious for his racist comments.

A shopkeeper blamed him for arranging the murder of his son's ex-wife and her boyfriend, but nothing has ever been proved.


All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thinks is gay.


Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying in nightclubs.


They are both out of control.
It is not known if they have the same father.
 
 
God I hate living near Buckingham Palace !

Monday, November 12, 2012

Messing with the Sexy Secretary !





Paddy : "Your new secretary is very sexy....."

Seamus : "Thanks! She's actually a robot, named Doreen......
If you squeeze her right breast, she takes dictation
&
If you squeeze her left breast, she types letters.
Will work as long as you like,
No complaining,
No sick days,
No medical,
No dental...
I'll lend her to you for a day & you can see how functional and efficient she is".


Next day,
Paddy called Seamus from the hospital & shouted :

"Seamus….... You bastard!

You didn't tell me that the hole between Doreen's legs is a Pencil Sharpener..."


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